| In Jena's Words |
| January 10, 2005 I know JUST how this mother feels. |
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| Whoever did this deserves an award |
All I ever wanted, more than anything, was to be a mother. How did things go so terribly wrong? I lost the LIGHT of my life, the LIGHT of my soul, I miss you more than you'll ever know. |
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| But for the Grace of God go I |
Very Interesting Info on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Traits shared by PTSD victims include but are not limited to: Above average IQs / high achiever Logical Focus on effective/high productivity Highly successful and respected in their careers Charismatic Sought out by others for guidance Others often confide highly personal, confidential and explosive information Exposure to previous trauma Respond to trauma by trying to normalize the event and emotions The type of traumatic event appears to be entirely irrelevant in PTSD cases. Whether obtained during wartime, in a business environment, as a crime victim or in one’s home environment, PTSD victims describe notably similar attempts to recover from the trauma, use similar skills to cope and follow nearly identical patterns in the progression of the disease. Identifying these patterns would allow for intervention before patients become completely disabled from the illness. The final phase of this illness appears to result in agoraphobia and a comprehensive withdrawal from society, including friends and family. However, in any moment that a PTSD victim feels instability, this person immediately attempts to counteract this downslide through interaction with safe people, going to safe places and/or increasing his/her productivity by attempting to complete a project, whether it be household chores or something larger. Finding ways to help PTSD patients sustain this natural drive may be the ultimate key to permanent recovery. Surveyed PTSD victims describe themselves as feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. They fear symptoms of their illness and note that new triggers are easily created. Struggling to cope with day-to-day concerns, victims eventually find themselves stuck in survival mode, going from one crisis to another. Those without a strongly supportive family are left to struggle to find healthcare, mental care and financial support structures. Frustrated PTSD victims, despite their intelligence, extensive coping skills and problem-solving abilities, find themselves overwhelmed by the mounting problems. They watch as their lives tumble from success to a period of immobility. Unless someone becomes a caretaker, victims trying to get a grip on their illness watch as their homes fill with trash, dirty dishes and complete disorder. Given enough time without conflict, these victims do rebound to some extent. However, as they attempt to regain control over their physical surroundings and financial stability, they are once again overwhelmed and confronted with conflict, which causes symptoms to reoccur. This leads to continuous cycles of progression and setbacks. It is striking that so many people with PTSD have very similar personalities. Every day we are learning more about the fight-or-flight chemicals (catecholamines) and how they affect our bodies. Because we have elevated levels of adrenaline (epinephrine), noradrenalin (norepinephrine) and dopamine, we actually experience very similar feelings. Elevated levels of dopamine help us feel optimistic even when we are in terrible situations. Did you ever wonder why you were still thinking about the positives while everything was falling apart? Elevated levels of adrenaline and norepinephrine keep us feeling energetic, focused and able to accomplish many things at one time. How often have you willed yourself to complete tasks quickly and stayed focused for long periods to the envy of others? These are all good signs that you have excess catecholamines. Taken from http://carrotofhope.org/ptsd_research_grant.html |
| What I Wish My Family Had Known by Michele Rosenthal The good news is that Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is treatable and, in the words of a psychiatrist friend, “eminently curable.” Unfortunately, knowing this does not make it easier for family members or friends to watch while PTSD distorts their loved one. So, here’s a guide for you - the parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, lovers and others who suffer along with us. Knowledge is power. Understanding the process of a triggering event, the psychic reaction to trauma, the warning signs and symptoms as well as available treatment options for PTSD allows you to help recognize, support and guide your PTSD loved one through diagnosis, treatment and healing. We PTSD experiencers are experiencing a severe psychic unraveling. We need you to be clearheaded, pulled together and informed. Trauma changes us. When I was released from the hospital I ran forward and did not look back. I wanted to believe – as did my family – that life could return to the way it had been; that I was who I had been . . . This is not how it works. Trauma leaves an indelible impact on the soul. It is not possible to endure trauma without experiencing a psychic shift. Do not expect us to be the same person we were before. Accept our need to evolve and support us on the journey. PTSD hijacks our identity. One of the largest problems with PTSD is that it takes over our entire view of ourselves. We no longer see ourselves clearly. We no longer see the world as we experienced it before trauma. Now every moment is dangerous, unpredictable and threatening. It will fall to observers to gently remind us and offer opportunities that allow us to engage in an identity outside of trauma and PTSD. We cannot just “get over it.” From the outside it is easy to imagine that a certain amount of time passes, memories fade and trauma gets relegated to the history of a life. Unfortunately, with PTSD nothing fades. Our bodies will not let us forget. Because of rushing chemicals that reinforce every memory, we cannot walk away from the past anymore than you can walk away from us. Honor our struggle to make peace with events. Do not rush us. Trying to speed our recovery will only increase the trauma response. We cannot help how we behave. Since we are operating on a sort of autopilot we are not always in control. PTSD is an exaggerated state of survival mode. We experience emotions that frighten and overwhelm us, causing us to overreact. Be patient with us; we often cannot stop the anger, tears or other disruptive behaviors. We’re not in denial - we’re coping! It takes a tremendous amount of effort to live with PTSD. When you approach us and we deny a problem, that is code for, “I am doing the best I can.” Sometimes, taking the actions you suggest would require more energy than we can spare, dividing focus from what is currently holding us together. Even if we do not admit it, we know there is something wrong. It does not help for you to increase the release of stress chemicals by attacking us. Sometimes simply getting up and continuing our daily routine is the biggest step toward recovery we make. Your presence matters. PTSD creates a great sense of isolation. In our struggle, it makes a difference to know that there are people who stand by us. It makes a difference to know that you are still there even though we lash out, fail to respond, and do not act like ourselves. Do not shrink away, hide, or fail to approach us. We need you. Stick with us! No matter how long the recovery process takes, it is possible to overcome trauma and PTSD. It is also possible for PTSDers to preserve relationships with the people who matter most. To do this, we need you to give us some room, cut us some slack, understand our struggle and stick with us. In the darkness of PTSD, you are beacons of light, love, and compassion. It is not easy, but on behalf of all PTSD sufferers, I thank you for making the effort! Michele Rosenthal is a survivor of trauma and chronic-extreme PTSD. She advocates for education, awareness and the unity of the PTSD community. She blogs about overcoming and healing PTSD at Parasites of the Mind. Taken from http://www.carrotofhope.org/ptsd_mr_family_knowledge.html |
| I may not have them here anymore but I was blessed to have my children, for the hours, days and years that I did. Without them, I'd be so much less. With them, I have become so much more. |
***** 1-11-11 ***** I just caught the last 10 minutes of "The Time Traveler's Wife". The husband tells the wife that he will be leaving again. She says that she WOULD NOT have changed the way things have gone even though it's so painful when he leaves and she misses him so much. If I had the choice to live this life ALL OVER AGAIN, I'd choose YES. I have a former client who got married later in life to a man who had children from a previous marriage. They never had their own children. He then died young. She is about 75 years old and has been alone for about 20 years with no children and no real interest in her from her family. This life, again but different, means NO Emily, NO husband, NO triplets. For the short time that I and the Time Traveler's wife got to spend with our loved ones, I'd keep that and take it on again because without my children given to me with my husband, this heart would be alone and empty as children and my own family is all I ever wanted. If I only get (and am blessed with) infrequent visits with them in dreams, so be it. They are the story in my head, the memories that occupy the space in my brain, the near bursting, cozy warm heart within my heart. "I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now" is a song by Shirley Caesar. To me that means that I wouldn't trade all I've lost for instead, a life with less pain but no Emily, Joanna, Anna, Diane and Ed. No, I'll take them AND the pain. Besides, on Earth, pain is a given. Some say, "I would take nothing for that journey now". I am not mad at God for the losses that I have had. In my personal belief, it is not His fault. We chose this life and all the events in it. We chose it to learn lessons and become better souls. This journey will bring me less grief in the next life BECAUSE I am allowing myself to learn from the mistakes I have made and will make. I regret decisions I made in this life and by thinking about how I would do things differently, my belief is that myself and those who choose to travel with me next time will be better off because I did my homework on this one. Doing my homework in regards to those whom I have loved and lost helps them have a better life the next time as well. See, I'm not such a pain after all. Stick with me and you just might help yourself, if you allow the lesson to sink in. When my Baby Girl visits me in my dreams, we spend time together and I feel that wonderful feeling again of being with her, making her laugh mostly, holding her hand in mine, tending to her. She is not dead. She is wearing a new cloth and is behind a veil that we don't always have eyes to see through or hear through. But she is there. Right there. Probably next to you right now. My Emmy is strong. I was blessed to have a really great little girl and I am soooo proud to be called her Mommy. I am the lucky one. I HAD her and live now on those memories and visits. |
| In one of my favorite videos by Wynonna Judd, she says that her Mom told her... "Let them see the broken-ness. Let them see the cracks in your armor. That's how the light gets out." I feel that if we
we'll hopefully all be a little better off for learning from each other's losses, learning from each other's surviving, learning from the light that still manages to seep out. Why waste the broken-ness. We all have it. Why waste our entire life by NOT learning from it. I personally hate waste. Recycle, and not just aluminum! |
| "Do not judge the bereaved mother... She comes in many forms... She is breathing, but she is dying... She may look young, but inside she has become ancient... She smiles, but her heart sobs... She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once... She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity." ~Unknown~ |